I've found my book during the move! *does the happy dance*
Well, I'll get right to it. This book is great. It addresses alot of characteristics of those who are difficult to be around and ways to deal with them.
People who make your life HELL by Lois Grant.
A chapter review of Little BO-Peep. Authors words used as well
***************************************************
"SIGH"
"Is there something wrong?"
"no"*wimper*
....
*GROAN*
Whats wrong honey?
Nothing
.
Little Bo-peep is a manipulator that makes use of sorrow. It is your job to figure it out If you cannot, it means you dont care enough about them. Bo-Peep is infamous for sending out wordless distress signals.
Bo-peep is seeking a parent in all who surrounds her/him. S/he will keep you guessing what the problem is and if you cant, it means you dont love them. Sorrow and silence got her a lot of nurturing as a child so sorrow and silence are his/her tools of manipulation as an adult. Bo-Peep always attracts caring, concerned and helpful people who take on the responsibility to keep him/her happy. Problem solvers and people who like helping people are instantly sucked in by Bo-Peeps woes.
Prove that you love me by guessing why Im sad
Bo-Peep starts to think your abandoning them if you cant do the work to extract their problems.
S/he wants you to guess what s/he wants and tell her what to do so you can be responsible if it doesnt work out.
It is a relationship with very little disclosure and little contribution on one side. To look at it simply, engaging in a relationship with Bo-peep wether it be friend or lover, your responsible for doing the emotional work for both yourself AND little Bo Peep. Your responsible if you cant keep him/her happy. Or at least convince him/her into making the decision to be happy. Its not something s/he can obtain for him/herself. S/he expects it of others to preform a shower of attention to remind her how important s/he is.
Bo-peep demands you exert more energy in jumping on possible problems they might have, to them this is giving them more attention. To them this means you love them more. S/he hopes you will do the totally impossible to prove how much you care for her. S/he believes that then s/he will finally be happy. However, it would never be enough because the achievement doesnt come within, she is seeking it from without. It will never be satisfactory.
Unfortunately Bo-Peep has little to no life skills. S/he has little to no experience of trusting him/herself to solve difficult situations. If up against someone who does not automatically succumb to her/his manipulation, s/he is at a loss and has no way to control the situation.
Where we often welcome challenge, Bo-peep does not. Challenging situations are too overwhelming for Bo-Peep to encounter.
Bo-peep is not incapable, s/he just doesnt know s/he IS capable. Telling him/her what to do ALSO sends the message that we feel s/he is inadequate so at the same time, s/he WANTS us to tell her what to do but HATES us for doing it. S/he loves reassurance but s/he really doesnt like looking incapable.
No matter how much love you pour in, Bo-Peeps bucket of self-worth is riddled with holes. Contributions dont even hit the side as acknowledgments, admiration or love slide straight into the sand below.
Bo-Peeps energy goes into self-absorbed sorrow so there is little to no energy to truly love or truly care for someone else.
Bo-Peep will not tolerate his/her partner for having outside interests. Bo-Peep will see that as a sign that their partner believes him/her to be inadequate. Bo-Peep chooses to feel rejected, expressing his/her sadness and pain in silence directed at you because s/he made the decision to be sad for expecting you are doing these ideas in his/her head even though you havent expressed it.
So where does this leave you? Having a relationship with Little Bo-Peep means there is an aura of mystery around him/her because of him/her sadness, moodiness or sullenness. If you accept impossible tasks of trying to make him/her happy, you may have to live on the belief you have enough love for both of you. But Bo-Peep wont let you succeed because s/he is afraid that you would lose interest and abandon him/her. In taking the responsibility for the relationship, you will fail and so will Bo-Peep.
Bopeep is very insecure about the relationship. S/he will never believe you loved him/her, s/he will just believe you were being kind.
SUGGESTIONS.
If s/he starts to whinge that there is a problem, immediately word the question as: Is there something I can help you with? This produces a yes or no answer. However, most of the time you will have I dont know. This is where you change the rules of control. Ask him/her to call you when s/he has figured it out when s/he needs you and calmly walk away. DO NOT sit and guess what his/her problem is. DO NOT pursue him/her. Leave them alone. If you choose to mind-read, you will only fail both them and yourself. The guessing game encourages them to be helpless, indecisive and inadequate. S/he must know you are only available on explicit request.
Loving is spontaneous and is evident in our interactions as joy, respect and our valuing and being interested in each other as individuals. Seeking attention is control and manipulation. Not to be taken as a show of love.
Love is a verb, not something given out on demand.
Assume that Bo-Peep is capable of identifying what s/he wants and knowing exactly how to ask for it. Ask him/her to call you when s/he is ready to do that. You can be a sounding board but not an advice bureau. If s/he is not willing to do that, it is time you nurtured yourself. When you have been victimised by guilt manipulation, you need to remember how to play. If you dont occupy yourself in a healthy pursuit, you are opening your heart to the invasion of doubt. Guilt manipulation does that to you because you are a decent, responsible person who loves and cares for others. Guilt manipulation will eventually abuse your capacity to care. It is very harmful and exploitive.
If you dont rush to Bo-Peeps side, you will in turn treat him/her with respect. You are not her parents. One set is usually enough.
Give Bo-peep one chance to ask for your help. If s/he shuts you out, accept it. When s/he tries to fall under your feet in abject despair, step over the body and most of all, focus on a POSITIVE activity in which you are both interested. Invite him/her to join. If s/he refuses, do your activity anyways unless s/he asks something else. Think through your suggestions before contributing them. Negotiate a solution for both parties. In doing this, you are instigating adult interaction.
Look at his/her silence as a time out. Privacy is needed by everyone but it shouldnt become a constant and progressive habit. Too much can be damaging.
Business partnership expects an adult interaction or deal which can be also applied in such a relationship as this. Both parties have the feeling of responsibility. Differences can become a virtue, not a reason to fight.
Every Bo-peep knows where the sheep are and can work out how to round them up. Instigate this for them. It can be more fun than weaving a web of sorrow.
*************************************************************
People who make your life HELL Lois Grant.
Simon & Schuster Australia
Well, I'll get right to it. This book is great. It addresses alot of characteristics of those who are difficult to be around and ways to deal with them.
People who make your life HELL by Lois Grant.
A chapter review of Little BO-Peep. Authors words used as well
***************************************************
"SIGH"
"Is there something wrong?"
"no"*wimper*
....
*GROAN*
Whats wrong honey?
Nothing
.
Little Bo-peep is a manipulator that makes use of sorrow. It is your job to figure it out If you cannot, it means you dont care enough about them. Bo-Peep is infamous for sending out wordless distress signals.
Bo-peep is seeking a parent in all who surrounds her/him. S/he will keep you guessing what the problem is and if you cant, it means you dont love them. Sorrow and silence got her a lot of nurturing as a child so sorrow and silence are his/her tools of manipulation as an adult. Bo-Peep always attracts caring, concerned and helpful people who take on the responsibility to keep him/her happy. Problem solvers and people who like helping people are instantly sucked in by Bo-Peeps woes.
Prove that you love me by guessing why Im sad
Bo-Peep starts to think your abandoning them if you cant do the work to extract their problems.
S/he wants you to guess what s/he wants and tell her what to do so you can be responsible if it doesnt work out.
It is a relationship with very little disclosure and little contribution on one side. To look at it simply, engaging in a relationship with Bo-peep wether it be friend or lover, your responsible for doing the emotional work for both yourself AND little Bo Peep. Your responsible if you cant keep him/her happy. Or at least convince him/her into making the decision to be happy. Its not something s/he can obtain for him/herself. S/he expects it of others to preform a shower of attention to remind her how important s/he is.
Bo-peep demands you exert more energy in jumping on possible problems they might have, to them this is giving them more attention. To them this means you love them more. S/he hopes you will do the totally impossible to prove how much you care for her. S/he believes that then s/he will finally be happy. However, it would never be enough because the achievement doesnt come within, she is seeking it from without. It will never be satisfactory.
Unfortunately Bo-Peep has little to no life skills. S/he has little to no experience of trusting him/herself to solve difficult situations. If up against someone who does not automatically succumb to her/his manipulation, s/he is at a loss and has no way to control the situation.
Where we often welcome challenge, Bo-peep does not. Challenging situations are too overwhelming for Bo-Peep to encounter.
Bo-peep is not incapable, s/he just doesnt know s/he IS capable. Telling him/her what to do ALSO sends the message that we feel s/he is inadequate so at the same time, s/he WANTS us to tell her what to do but HATES us for doing it. S/he loves reassurance but s/he really doesnt like looking incapable.
No matter how much love you pour in, Bo-Peeps bucket of self-worth is riddled with holes. Contributions dont even hit the side as acknowledgments, admiration or love slide straight into the sand below.
Bo-Peeps energy goes into self-absorbed sorrow so there is little to no energy to truly love or truly care for someone else.
Bo-Peep will not tolerate his/her partner for having outside interests. Bo-Peep will see that as a sign that their partner believes him/her to be inadequate. Bo-Peep chooses to feel rejected, expressing his/her sadness and pain in silence directed at you because s/he made the decision to be sad for expecting you are doing these ideas in his/her head even though you havent expressed it.
So where does this leave you? Having a relationship with Little Bo-Peep means there is an aura of mystery around him/her because of him/her sadness, moodiness or sullenness. If you accept impossible tasks of trying to make him/her happy, you may have to live on the belief you have enough love for both of you. But Bo-Peep wont let you succeed because s/he is afraid that you would lose interest and abandon him/her. In taking the responsibility for the relationship, you will fail and so will Bo-Peep.
Bopeep is very insecure about the relationship. S/he will never believe you loved him/her, s/he will just believe you were being kind.
SUGGESTIONS.
If s/he starts to whinge that there is a problem, immediately word the question as: Is there something I can help you with? This produces a yes or no answer. However, most of the time you will have I dont know. This is where you change the rules of control. Ask him/her to call you when s/he has figured it out when s/he needs you and calmly walk away. DO NOT sit and guess what his/her problem is. DO NOT pursue him/her. Leave them alone. If you choose to mind-read, you will only fail both them and yourself. The guessing game encourages them to be helpless, indecisive and inadequate. S/he must know you are only available on explicit request.
Loving is spontaneous and is evident in our interactions as joy, respect and our valuing and being interested in each other as individuals. Seeking attention is control and manipulation. Not to be taken as a show of love.
Love is a verb, not something given out on demand.
Assume that Bo-Peep is capable of identifying what s/he wants and knowing exactly how to ask for it. Ask him/her to call you when s/he is ready to do that. You can be a sounding board but not an advice bureau. If s/he is not willing to do that, it is time you nurtured yourself. When you have been victimised by guilt manipulation, you need to remember how to play. If you dont occupy yourself in a healthy pursuit, you are opening your heart to the invasion of doubt. Guilt manipulation does that to you because you are a decent, responsible person who loves and cares for others. Guilt manipulation will eventually abuse your capacity to care. It is very harmful and exploitive.
If you dont rush to Bo-Peeps side, you will in turn treat him/her with respect. You are not her parents. One set is usually enough.
Give Bo-peep one chance to ask for your help. If s/he shuts you out, accept it. When s/he tries to fall under your feet in abject despair, step over the body and most of all, focus on a POSITIVE activity in which you are both interested. Invite him/her to join. If s/he refuses, do your activity anyways unless s/he asks something else. Think through your suggestions before contributing them. Negotiate a solution for both parties. In doing this, you are instigating adult interaction.
Look at his/her silence as a time out. Privacy is needed by everyone but it shouldnt become a constant and progressive habit. Too much can be damaging.
Business partnership expects an adult interaction or deal which can be also applied in such a relationship as this. Both parties have the feeling of responsibility. Differences can become a virtue, not a reason to fight.
Every Bo-peep knows where the sheep are and can work out how to round them up. Instigate this for them. It can be more fun than weaving a web of sorrow.
*************************************************************
People who make your life HELL Lois Grant.
Simon & Schuster Australia
