More of my book report of Lois Grant's, "People who make your life hell".
This also applies to "little boys" but it is in context of persona as in the rhyme. So if it relates to a partner or other in your life that is male, just replace the 'she' and 'her' with 'he' and 'his'.
I found this passage to be very relative to what I've had to deal with regards to an adult BPD(or two).
Like a hippopotamus with beautiful eyes that just break the surface giving no clue to the rageful force lurking below the surface.
A glimmering and pleasant socialite with the most adoring personality..until she doesnt get her way.
Temper tantrums out of nowhere and with no explanation is the consequence should that not be reached.
Even over the slightest difference of opinion.
She is a predator looking for a fight or yield.
The common response from many is confusion. The reason for the dramatic display is not apparent. Because of the loss of dignity, many withdraw leaving her to be among her nurturing allies. You are then labelled as the bully. Any further interactions leaves you choosing words with flustered concentration as if performing heart surgery for the first time.
She is skilful in enticing sympathetic observers to close in to protect her with out even knowing the facts. She looks for an appropriate audience for display.
The perceived bully receives injustice by the invalidation as people who rush to rescue the little girl(true attacker) when she doesnt need any helping at all. The attack-ee is left with powerlessness and confusion. The attack-ee may even convince themselves that they are used to this kind of behaviour or even that they are at fault for setting her off
The injustice the little girl perceives that has happened is that she never really feels supported or that anyone truly understands her. She doesnt feel she can trust anyone because she is always left second-guessing if everyone is complying only out of fear or obligation.
Anyone engaged in close relationship with the Little Girl with a Little Curl is solely responsible to keep the relationship together, guessing her moods and guessing what makes her feel happy. Common phrase: You should know. Sound familiar?
Many who want nothing else but peace with comply to this. They, never having their meets met, commit to an ongoing game of keeping tabs of hers and hers alone.
If her mate leaves her, she encourages the public to blame the other.
Because she depends on others to supply happiness and stability, she seeks replacement almost immediately vying for easier control.
The combination of helplessness and adorability is irresistible to most rescuers with loving nature, and those who see their role in life as the protector.
This brand of manipulation only works on a person if they become intimidated or easily embarrassed.
Manipulators never target confident people. Even if they get away with it once, they wont a second time. Confident people analyse what just took place and create strategies for the next time.
Unless you can learn to set limits without commiting to the fight she keeps gauging, you will have nothing to look forward except to a lifetime of all give but no get. Opting for peace by rewarding her bad behaviour by giving her what she wants is not the answer. This only subdues her for the time being until the next rage and gives her the belief that this is how a relationship should be and this is acceptable behaviour towards others.
What she needs is to learn that reaching balanced solutions and reasoning, she will find confidence and security.
She hasnt even enough love for herself let alone anyone else. Giving love to someone else is like giving herself to someone else and this is like giving them too much power. She merely exists. She is terrified of dealing with something along by herself. She needs strong support systems dedicated to her.
Whether the little girl shaves or applies make up, she is still emotionally 3 years old. Longing for what she destroys, a trusting and loving relationship.
Independence creates insecurity so this usually promotes excessive demands on her partner. You will remain a permanent caretaker, enmeshed with her problems she needs to learn to take care of her self. Her resenting anyone who she begs to help her because this advocates that she is incapable. Also resenting partners who comply too much because she feels they never match her social flair.
Neither of you will discover yourself.
If you find you are in the throws of a tantrum of a little girl, what you have is a very frightened person on your hands who is trying to gain control by intimidation into submission.
You choose not to be impressed.
She chooses her behaviour. She chooses to abuse or not to abuse. You cannot stop her, but you can stop playing her game. You can leave.
Do not tell her to calm down. This is viewed as belittlement by the little girl. Instead, listen with interest and respect until she finishes.
Do not feel it is your responsibility to make her happy. Put the responsibility back on her.
Put yourself into tranquillity mode while she is in panic mode.
Donnot talk, just listen impassively.
Think of it as interactive TV that you dont participate.
Know that you are not responsible for her loosing control. Even if she says you are, this is only a mere weapon of hers to try to make you buckle under intimidation and placing the blame on someone else.
Ask her directly what she wants. Never guess.
If she is not willing to make a direct request, remove yourself from the situation and offer yourself only when shes figured it out herself.
Never offer your cooperation tax-free, offer it with reciprocal respect.
Leave her with the idea that the choice is up to her.
Being clear with your wants, needs and expectations, whatever the outcome, you both know who made the choice. Never settle for abuse.
Only offer yourself if she is in agreement to resolve the issue. This teaches her the art of negotiation.
This may require several trial runs as many little girls have this behaviour deeply ingrained.
If you help her with her fears by not being intimidated, you will also help her have adult relationships.
If she does get through this, she will find she has a very good friend who will be honest and help her find herself.
If not, it truly is her loss and she will penalize herself to a life void of trust and true friends.
In the end, this is her choice.
This also applies to "little boys" but it is in context of persona as in the rhyme. So if it relates to a partner or other in your life that is male, just replace the 'she' and 'her' with 'he' and 'his'.
I found this passage to be very relative to what I've had to deal with regards to an adult BPD(or two).
"Little Girl with a Little Curl"
She wraps you around a curl and goes squish
She wraps you around a curl and goes squish
Like a hippopotamus with beautiful eyes that just break the surface giving no clue to the rageful force lurking below the surface.
A glimmering and pleasant socialite with the most adoring personality..until she doesnt get her way.
Temper tantrums out of nowhere and with no explanation is the consequence should that not be reached.
Even over the slightest difference of opinion.
She is a predator looking for a fight or yield.
The common response from many is confusion. The reason for the dramatic display is not apparent. Because of the loss of dignity, many withdraw leaving her to be among her nurturing allies. You are then labelled as the bully. Any further interactions leaves you choosing words with flustered concentration as if performing heart surgery for the first time.
She is skilful in enticing sympathetic observers to close in to protect her with out even knowing the facts. She looks for an appropriate audience for display.
The perceived bully receives injustice by the invalidation as people who rush to rescue the little girl(true attacker) when she doesnt need any helping at all. The attack-ee is left with powerlessness and confusion. The attack-ee may even convince themselves that they are used to this kind of behaviour or even that they are at fault for setting her off
The injustice the little girl perceives that has happened is that she never really feels supported or that anyone truly understands her. She doesnt feel she can trust anyone because she is always left second-guessing if everyone is complying only out of fear or obligation.
Anyone engaged in close relationship with the Little Girl with a Little Curl is solely responsible to keep the relationship together, guessing her moods and guessing what makes her feel happy. Common phrase: You should know. Sound familiar?
Many who want nothing else but peace with comply to this. They, never having their meets met, commit to an ongoing game of keeping tabs of hers and hers alone.
If her mate leaves her, she encourages the public to blame the other.
Because she depends on others to supply happiness and stability, she seeks replacement almost immediately vying for easier control.
The combination of helplessness and adorability is irresistible to most rescuers with loving nature, and those who see their role in life as the protector.
Quote:Lois Grant
you are especially vulnerable if you are a decent person commited to protecting others and making them happy.
This brand of manipulation only works on a person if they become intimidated or easily embarrassed.
Manipulators never target confident people. Even if they get away with it once, they wont a second time. Confident people analyse what just took place and create strategies for the next time.
Unless you can learn to set limits without commiting to the fight she keeps gauging, you will have nothing to look forward except to a lifetime of all give but no get. Opting for peace by rewarding her bad behaviour by giving her what she wants is not the answer. This only subdues her for the time being until the next rage and gives her the belief that this is how a relationship should be and this is acceptable behaviour towards others.
What she needs is to learn that reaching balanced solutions and reasoning, she will find confidence and security.
She hasnt even enough love for herself let alone anyone else. Giving love to someone else is like giving herself to someone else and this is like giving them too much power. She merely exists. She is terrified of dealing with something along by herself. She needs strong support systems dedicated to her.
Whether the little girl shaves or applies make up, she is still emotionally 3 years old. Longing for what she destroys, a trusting and loving relationship.
Independence creates insecurity so this usually promotes excessive demands on her partner. You will remain a permanent caretaker, enmeshed with her problems she needs to learn to take care of her self. Her resenting anyone who she begs to help her because this advocates that she is incapable. Also resenting partners who comply too much because she feels they never match her social flair.
Neither of you will discover yourself.
If you find you are in the throws of a tantrum of a little girl, what you have is a very frightened person on your hands who is trying to gain control by intimidation into submission.
You choose not to be impressed.
She chooses her behaviour. She chooses to abuse or not to abuse. You cannot stop her, but you can stop playing her game. You can leave.
Do not tell her to calm down. This is viewed as belittlement by the little girl. Instead, listen with interest and respect until she finishes.
Do not feel it is your responsibility to make her happy. Put the responsibility back on her.
Put yourself into tranquillity mode while she is in panic mode.
Donnot talk, just listen impassively.
Think of it as interactive TV that you dont participate.
Know that you are not responsible for her loosing control. Even if she says you are, this is only a mere weapon of hers to try to make you buckle under intimidation and placing the blame on someone else.
Ask her directly what she wants. Never guess.
If she is not willing to make a direct request, remove yourself from the situation and offer yourself only when shes figured it out herself.
Never offer your cooperation tax-free, offer it with reciprocal respect.
Leave her with the idea that the choice is up to her.
Being clear with your wants, needs and expectations, whatever the outcome, you both know who made the choice. Never settle for abuse.
Only offer yourself if she is in agreement to resolve the issue. This teaches her the art of negotiation.
This may require several trial runs as many little girls have this behaviour deeply ingrained.
If you help her with her fears by not being intimidated, you will also help her have adult relationships.
If she does get through this, she will find she has a very good friend who will be honest and help her find herself.
If not, it truly is her loss and she will penalize herself to a life void of trust and true friends.
In the end, this is her choice.
